TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from put. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let us have another put wherever American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the project, replied, "You understand, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," Trump Tower Damascus reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have turn-down services."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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